I hope that the finality of some people's indignation is not permanent, and all I can do is try to reply with my own feelings of why I did what I did, and try to be the person that I always wanted to be from the beginning and hope for understanding.
The thing that is most difficult is that I realize, at this point, nothing will ever be enough for a few of the most angry. When someone lies, and you accuse them of it, the next thing said is "Why did you do that?!" In this case, I have tried to explain "Why I did that" but the emphasis of anger doesn't focus on trying to understand it, it's on being angry, and I can't take that away.
Because some will write paragraphs and public forum commentary about someone or something that they "Don't give a rat's ass about" or accuse me of wanting to control other's emotions from afar, shows me that I am different from that person only in a matter of degree, and that logic has given way to emotion and made us do something that, on the surface, makes no sense. We are both looking for public validation and an audience to display our feelings, otherwise, everything would be in private messages.
Do I like to hear myself talk? No, I never have... I like listening to other people talk. That is why I wrote to begin with, because there were answers there that could not be gotten in any other way, and until you are truly in a situation where you are ashamed to let people know who you really are, you won't understand.
Why won't I apologize profusely over and over again begging forgiveness? Because I know in my heart that I might even do the same thing again if I felt the need to (though I haven't) and to apologize for something I know I might do again would be both irrational, and disrespectful to you and to Barf.
If it's a situation of thinking there must be a winner and a loser, then even though I can't find a logic that truly fits that description in this case, I can still see a perception of competition where I will admit that I have lost, brutally, and lapped many times,
...and I am finally glad for losing
David