You Are Not Alone

[machete]

I've never been afraid of death. Maybe afraid of the manner of death [I have a phobia of drowning/suffocating], but not of death itself. Even when I was a small child, I remember thinking that I did not want to be alive and that my being 'here' was wrong.

Miri, the first part of your statement I am attune with, the not being afraid of death. I put that to perspective in my head in relation to my faith. Not very religious myself, as I was brought up with it, and I questioned it and decided, faith is what keeps us going at times (no matter what you believe in, or have faith in, but religion was not for me.

the second part, not so much, for me. but I see the thinking.
where, if not here, do you feel that you belong?

I apologize if these questions seem invasive, they're just honest questions.

 

[Lylith]

Miri, the first part of your statement I am attune with, the not being afraid of death. I put that to perspective in my head in relation to my faith. Not very religious myself, as I was brought up with it, and I questioned it and decided, faith is what keeps us going at times (no matter what you believe in, or have faith in, but religion was not for me.

the second part, not so much, for me. but I see the thinking.
where, if not here, do you feel that you belong?

I apologize if these questions seem invasive, they're just honest questions.

There is no where, in particular, that I belong. Just not here, not in this life, not in this time.

 

[machete]

The only people I know who've contemplated suicide have been those dealing with severe clinical depression, or situational depression (terrible illness, loss of spouse, etc). I suppose if you've led an exciting, eventful life, and feel there's nothing left to discover or do, then maybe you'd be bored and wanting to be done... or maybe if you were unable to live life on your terms any longer... I don't know.
If someone truly wants to end their life, I believe that should be an option... but so many of the people who contemplate ending their lives are looking at a permanent solution to what is, in many instances, a temporary problem. I guess it's just that I've known quite a few people who were on the brink that got some help, never got back to that place, and are truly happy that they didn't take that final step... now.

agreed to some extent, but in the end, it all falls back on the people left behind who think THEY were cheated. :dunno

I agree, there is that large percentage that look at it as an option because they DON'T KNOW another option perhaps. and when another option is presented, or a different perspective on life itself is presented, and they can process it, it seems that is when they don't go back to those thoughts.

this is my non-proffesional thoughts on it.

sometimes though, to get to that understanding, some people need help via medication, or therapy to move them that way.

if with all that, someone still decided to do it, well, they're going to do it, no matter what.

In my experience in dealing with adolescent suicide (attempts and successes) in the hospital, is that a very large percentage of them, are cries for help. some of them succede, sometimes by accident, but the ones that seriously concern me, is the quiet 11 y/o who missed the artery, and just cut a vein.... but I can see it in their eyes, that this was serious.

 

[machete]

There is no where, in particular, that I belong. Just not here, not in this life, not in this time.

do you travel a great deal? are you "stuck" here (physical location, not this world), have you just up and gone somewhere, throwing caution to the wind?

I ask, because these are the things that keep me interested in "this" place here.
I get bored easily, :laughing which usually gets me into some kind of trouble with authority, but I find when I am bored, or don't feel like I belong, I get up and go do something. travel, ride my moto across country, sleep in ditches drink water and eat jerky all the way, experience the biting cold, sweltering heat and push my limits. for me, it makes me feel alive.

thanks for sharing.

 

[TRASHPUPY]

There is no where, in particular, that I belong. Just not here, not in this life, not in this time.

I am sorry I don't know you or you situation but I would be willing to spend some time getting to know you. I can't promiss any solutions but I would try to help you find a place to belong. Please let me know. I am a great listener and some say a good friend. What could it hurt.

Mark

 

[F4iChic]

So, a week or two prior to his suicide, Steve tried to get me to go to the Hopyard social he posted up.

I couldn't go due to other commitments that evening

A few days later we were swapping emails whilst I was at work, and then I left for home

I checked email the next morning, he had replied that he was going to be in Walnut Creek that night (the night previous) and could he swing by to say hi

I responded that I hadn't seen the email last evening, sowwy

So he tells me he is going to his cousin's in WC for thanksgiving, he could swing by before or after to visit. Sure says I, would be great to see you

He comes by oh, maybe 8 ish or so

We sit and chat, nothing seems out of the ordinary, same old Cygnus. When I asked him about the work situation he responded he spends his days between the pc and the tv, that his brain and liver were going to mush.

We chatted about this and that and how we always manage to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, and I commented on how I understand that we all get down and in bad places every now and then, but some people need to get a grip and stop with the misery and drama every goddamned day.

He wondered why I wasn't drinking cheap white wine and was drinking cheap red wine. I told him it's cos it's bloody cold, and I don't want chilled wine

John came home before Steve left, and commented that my lips and tongue were purple from the wine. I immediately ran inside (we were sat in the garage, I was smoking) and cleaned my teeth, yabbering on about purple teeth

We chatted some more, hugged, and Steve left. I didn't do my usual of standing on the driveway to wave as he drove away, I just dropped the door and ran inside

That was the last time I saw him.

A week and couple of days later I come home mid day Saturday, to a voice message from Christine, Steve's wife, asking me to call her.

I said to John immediately "Steve is dead" He said "why on earth would you say that?" I responded there is no reason on the planet for her to call me, none whatsoever. In my mind I said "he's killed himself"

Have I wondered if I could have spotted something if not guzzling wine as I was. Have I wondered if anything I said about bootstraps somehow added to his personal turmoil?

Of course I have. And come to the conclusion that I am not that powerful that I could affect another's decision on something like this.

Did he give me any signals. I don't think he did. Steve was stoic. I've been friends with him for seven years and was never really able to dig deeper than the person he presented.

Am I angry he did this? No. It is his choice. (maybe it is just dissociative on my part)

Am I pissed at how he did it? Yes, absolutely.

I am however sad that the life he was living drove him to his final act.

Sorry, just rambling here a bit

W

 

[rodr]

I've never been afraid of death.

It's not death I fear so much, it's the being dead. That's gonna suck.

PM on the way.

 

[Blankpage]

Meditation and exercise can greatly improve peoples moods, nothing new there.
For meditation you won't get it the first time and may not the first week or the second week but eventually you will get it and find it easier to do in more settings.
It should help you to understand yourself and deal with stress or greatly reduce it. Better than a filling a perscription in my opinion.
Get away from society every now and again or pay a visit to a different one.

 

[Xenophonii]

I try to do things right, working on a new career, served my country, and one step away from the streets... if that happens, it's the dirt-nap for me. I just can't do it.

 

[Xenophonii]

I've never been afraid of death. Maybe afraid of the manner of death [I have a phobia of drowning/suffocating], but not of death itself. Even when I was a small child, I remember thinking that I did not want to be alive and that my being 'here' was wrong.

I can absolutely understand. I remember an art project I did as a young child. It was describe youself or something, my piece was a piece of black paper with the words "Adam is dead". Not sure why I'm here but I am...

 

[Idontdotrix]

Xeno, what can we, as a community, do to help?

what are your most pressing needs right now? a job? housing? the network here is bigger and better than you think. I have seen it do amazing things.

and if you just need to vent or talk things out until a possible solution presents itself, I'm right here. and so are many others.

 

[Blankpage]

I had a highschool friend that put a rifle to his chest and pulled the trigger. He survived and said he had a whole lot of regret for it as he was lying on the floor hoping someone would find him in time. He figured out in a couple of seconds that life wasn't as bad as he thought it was.

 

[sliverstorm]

What if you're just so tired of it all and just really don't want to do it anymore?

Hey. hey.

You tellin' me you want another ride through the hills?

 

[Lylith]

I had a highschool friend that put a rifle to his chest and pulled the trigger. He survived and said he had a whole lot of regret for it as he was lying on the floor hoping someone would find him in time. He figured out in a couple of seconds that life wasn't as bad as he thought it was.

When I was 20 I collected all the random prescription pill bottles around the house and took everything. As I could feel myself slipping away, I finally felt free, happy, painless. When I woke up in the hospital the next day I was so angry. A couple friends had found me and had taken me to the ER. I love them for why they did that, but I wish they would have left me alone.

 

[Blankpage]

When I was 20 I collected all the random prescription pill bottles around the house and took everything. As I could feel myself slipping away, I finally felt free, happy, painless. When I woke up in the hospital the next day I was so angry. A couple friends had found me and had taken me to the ER. I love them for why they did that, but I wish they would have left me alone.

I bet you are a lot more awesome a person than you think you are. This time of year can suck for a lot of people. I'm sure there are a lot of people that haven't met you yet that will be happier people after they do.

 

[Idontdotrix]

Lylith, I have been there.

with a nearly successful attempt. more than one.

I now know that a great deal of the feelings that I had that I did not belong on this planet were intentionally put there by others, in a subtle way, and encouraged quietly for many, many years, until I finally felt as if being dead would just be better.

I was very upset I was found. especially when I learned that I was, for all intents and purposes, gone, and my rescuers were so pleased with themselves for bringing me back. I didn't want to be back and as soon as possible, I tried again.

I suffered through even worse problems afterwards- losses and pain and heartaches I cannot even begin to document, all consequences of being 'helped'. it made me resent being alive that much more.

I finally found a friends who understood it- and a counselor who helped me to understand that it was natural I felt no sense of self worth or place in the world, since I had always been taught I wasn't wanted. it was all I knew. she didn't blame me or shame me for feeling the way I did.

it took me many years, and many mistakes to discover a sense of self I could appreciate and love. and once I did, I was able to find someone else to share that with.

please consider finding out why you feel the way you do, and seeing what can be done about it. I have the love of an incredible husband, a beautiful daughter and the most amazing friends on earth right now. it wasn't easy getting here but it was worth it. and I would have missed it all if I'd been left alone for just another 30 seconds.

(I was going to send this by PM, but decided that there may be others feeling and thinking the same way who are reading along, but have not spoken up.)

 

[Dandelion]

I've thought about it. Even knew how I would do it. I never attempted it though. I don't find the feeling all that unusual in speaking with other people about it. Now I look at it like any other biological cue (drink, eat, sleep) only this one for me means I need to change the scene. So I take my gypsy genes on a road trip or pickup a new hobby. I'm not sure that's gonna help anybody, but I just wanted to share that since I've never been diagnosed as depressed or spent any time taking meds.

 

[Xenophonii]

Xeno, what can we, as a community, do to help?

what are your most pressing needs right now? a job? housing? the network here is bigger and better than you think. I have seen it do amazing things.

and if you just need to vent or talk things out until a possible solution presents itself, I'm right here. and so are many others.

Nothing now, I'm still holding on, maybe things will improve, Lord knows I'm trying.. It's just that I currently live with a friend, I don't know how long that will last, not exactly rolling in money as I'm unemployed so it's unlikely I can get a place on my own.. being homeless would be the last straw for sure.

Thanks for caring though.

 

[Lylith]

Nothing now, I'm still holding on, maybe things will improve, Lord knows I'm trying.. It's just that I currently live with a friend, I don't know how long that will last, not exactly rolling in money as I'm unemployed so it's unlikely I can get a place on my own.. being homeless would be the last straw for sure.

Thanks for caring though.

What kind of work are you looking for, and what general vicinity?

 

[Xenophonii]

What kind of work are you looking for, and what general vicinity?

Well, I will be pulling a fulltime college schedule starting in January, with the VA program, I should be ok. The thing is I have PTSD and seriously doubt I could work and go to school. Going to school for me will be extra tough especially since half the units will be boring.. I'm in the Rohnert Park area so travel via bus is an actual option (!!)

I will need to find a room in the santa rosa/rohnert park area in the next few months.

**to actually answer your question, it looks like I will be training in advanced admin/security analysis, where, I don't really care. **