So, a week or two prior to his suicide, Steve tried to get me to go to the Hopyard social he posted up.
I couldn't go due to other commitments that evening
A few days later we were swapping emails whilst I was at work, and then I left for home
I checked email the next morning, he had replied that he was going to be in Walnut Creek that night (the night previous) and could he swing by to say hi
I responded that I hadn't seen the email last evening, sowwy
So he tells me he is going to his cousin's in WC for thanksgiving, he could swing by before or after to visit. Sure says I, would be great to see you
He comes by oh, maybe 8 ish or so
We sit and chat, nothing seems out of the ordinary, same old Cygnus. When I asked him about the work situation he responded he spends his days between the pc and the tv, that his brain and liver were going to mush.
We chatted about this and that and how we always manage to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, and I commented on how I understand that we all get down and in bad places every now and then, but some people need to get a grip and stop with the misery and drama every goddamned day.
He wondered why I wasn't drinking cheap white wine and was drinking cheap red wine. I told him it's cos it's bloody cold, and I don't want chilled wine
John came home before Steve left, and commented that my lips and tongue were purple from the wine. I immediately ran inside (we were sat in the garage, I was smoking) and cleaned my teeth, yabbering on about purple teeth
We chatted some more, hugged, and Steve left. I didn't do my usual of standing on the driveway to wave as he drove away, I just dropped the door and ran inside
That was the last time I saw him.
A week and couple of days later I come home mid day Saturday, to a voice message from Christine, Steve's wife, asking me to call her.
I said to John immediately "Steve is dead" He said "why on earth would you say that?" I responded there is no reason on the planet for her to call me, none whatsoever. In my mind I said "he's killed himself"
Have I wondered if I could have spotted something if not guzzling wine as I was. Have I wondered if anything I said about bootstraps somehow added to his personal turmoil?
Of course I have. And come to the conclusion that I am not that powerful that I could affect another's decision on something like this.
Did he give me any signals. I don't think he did. Steve was stoic. I've been friends with him for seven years and was never really able to dig deeper than the person he presented.
Am I angry he did this? No. It is his choice. (maybe it is just dissociative on my part)
Am I pissed at how he did it? Yes, absolutely.
I am however sad that the life he was living drove him to his final act.
Sorry, just rambling here a bit
W