Anyone here date someone with BPD?

[ctrvl]

Folks with BPD never get better. It is a disease that can be managed, but she will never be free of it.

Her perceptions and reactions are not founded in reality. Nothing you are doing is the problem.

If you stay with her you would have to accept this. I wouldn't be able to handle it in a long term relationship or marriage.

Probably not BPD. There are generally three types of BPD. Most people only have a single episode every year or so. Some people have an episode more frequently, like 4-6 months. Some people have an episode every 3 months or less. Its not really mood swings. Its a complete change of character. Some bi polars are hyper sexual, some spend money like crazy. Its not just jealousy or aggitation. Thats not bi polar..

+1 to both of these. I'm very familiar with BPD, and what Meter and corpse are saying is very true. The mood swing episodes are very characteristic of this, but the jealousy, drama, and accusatory parts are not [necessarily]. Those may stem from any one of a number of other experiences, insecurities, etc., but not really from BPD.

BPD, or Manic Depressive Disorder, is not "curable". There are drug-based treatments that can help to "even someone out" when they are either manic or depressive, but even the mildest have long-term physical side-effects, and the strongest can really fuck you up in other ways. There are also physical and psychological tricks and tells that Manic Depressives can use to try to head either mood off at the pass but they're not 100% effective, because the change is chemical at its base, and sometimes there's just nothing you can do to stop it without the help of medication.

Most Manic Depressives really enjoy the Manic part of their personality, many of them will try to stay in it as much as possible - even to the point of self-medicating constantly (drugs, alcohol) in order to stay "happy" when they are depressed.

If you choose to leave such a relationship, you should never feel like a bad guy. It's not something for everyone. If you are still on speaking terms, however, I would find a way to counsel her to seek help from a psychotherapist at the very least, and hopefully eventually from a psychiatrist. It will help her understand herself better at a minimum, and at best it may help her manage her mood swings a bit better and learn to not hate herself.

 

[Ogier le Danois]

+1 to both of these. I'm very familiar with BPD, and what Meter and corpse are saying is very true. The mood swing episodes are very characteristic of this, but the jealousy, drama, and accusatory parts are not [necessarily]. Those may stem from any one of a number of other experiences, insecurities, etc., but not really from BPD.

BPD, or Manic Depressive Disorder, is not "curable". There are drug-based treatments that can help to "even someone out" when they are either manic or depressive, but even the mildest have long-term physical side-effects, and the strongest can really fuck you up in other ways. There are also physical and psychological tricks and tells that Manic Depressives can use to try to head either mood off at the pass but they're not 100% effective, because the change is chemical at its base, and sometimes there's just nothing you can do to stop it without the help of medication.

Most Manic Depressives really enjoy the Manic part of their personality, many of them will try to stay in it as much as possible - even to the point of self-medicating constantly (drugs, alcohol) in order to stay "happy" when they are depressed.

If you choose to leave such a relationship, you should never feel like a bad guy. It's not something for everyone. If you are still on speaking terms, however, I would find a way to counsel her to seek help from a psychotherapist at the very least, and hopefully eventually from a psychiatrist. It will help her understand herself better at a minimum, and at best it may help her manage her mood swings a bit better and learn to not hate herself.

I am not a mental health professional, but I agree and would further clarify that the other behaviours would likely be explained by the other 4 Axis of the DSM.

 

[ctrvl]

I am not a mental health professional, but I agree and would further clarify that the other behaviours would likely be explained by the other 4 Axis of the DSM.

:thumbup Never heard of the DSM until now, thanks for the heads up! (https://faculty.fortlewis.edu/burke_b/abnormal/abnormalmultiaxial.htm for the curious).

I'm not a mental health professional either, just very familiar with BPD :cool

 

[Lex Talionis]

Yeah girls on meds, god bless them but I don't want them, well not for anymore than a night or two.
Yeah I accept that they may not want me either, and that's just fine.

Somewhere in my hard drive I have a cartoon your statement reminded me of. The line drawing shows an attractive couple conversing over a small table in a nice restaurant. The caption is in the woman's voice: "I'm breaking up with you. If you can't handle me when I'm off my meds, you don't deserve me when I'm on them."

Interpret that as you will. :laughing

Lex

 

[Agent Orange]

Thanks for the tips everyone. Spoke to my sister earlier and she pretty much echo'd the same sentiments. I've dated enough girls where I knew right off the bat it wasn't going to work out and just nope'd the fuck out. This is the first one where doing so hurt me just as much.

Something in my gut told me deep down things were just not going to get better. There was no other solution for me to pursue, and even trying to have a rational discussion was long gone. If we can't speak to each other like adults then only mean words would be said. Thus leaving me no option to drop it cold turkey.

 

[900ss]

Married thirty - some - odd years. I feel sorry for you just getting in the game; so much drama with these millennials.

 

[TylerW]

Sounds like this advice is offered a little to late, but here it is anyhow. If you really care about her, convince her to seek professional help, at least a consultation.

Whether or not you stick around is up to you. It's a tough road. But she needs help, and abandoning her, well, doesn't.

 

[CABilly]

Everyone else beat me to the probably not bipolar message. Sounds more like drama and extreme insecurity. I didn't see if you posted how old she is, but I wonder how the younger generations will fare in relationships when their primary interactions outside of the family have always been through a screen.

 

[antidote]

This is not BPD as some have stated. I don't know what it is.

OP you either like someone enough to put up with their flaws and they like you enough to put up with yours. And that you both want a long term relationship and realize those are difficult and not nearly as fun 24/7 as you think. And that you've both decided you like being together more than not.

Or you don't. And you aren't thinking or talking about this being the case. And the relationship isn't ready for you nor you it.

Not being ready for the heaviness of a long term relationship is perfectly fine. Shit gets real, real fast.

 

[mrmarklin]

Who cares what "conditions " she may have?

The behavior is intolerable.

Get out now.:afm199

 

[TheRobSJ]

While it may be tempting because it's probably really damn good sex...never stick your dick in crazy.

 

[packnrat]

distance is your best friend here. keep tens of miles between the two of you. :afm199

also get a paper trail started with the police, as she just might have this "wall" at home. :wtf

.

 

[Blankpage]

Three pages and nobody's asked :facepalm

WELL, is she?

 

[Agent Orange]

Yah she was. Funny thing is when I first met her she had this really super innocent look to her. In fact, part of the reason why I was so into her was because I thought "gee, finally found someone who looks like the most drama free person I've met in a while..."

Part of me thinks she was with me out of fear of being abandoned or just alone. Part of me wanted to stay with her because Im sort of in the same boat (being alone) but also because I dreaded going to back to online dating if I decided to leave her. There's alot more to this story I'm leaving out, but needless to say my efforts to assist her were fruitless. Its now dealing with the guilt that Im leaving her like this that I have to face now.

 

[Climber]

Don't feel guilty about it, it's a no-win situation and the cost to you would be enormous if you toughed it out with her and people like that will almost always cheat on you in the long run, rewarding patience and sacrifice with rationalization and cheating.

 

[CABilly]

Yah she was. Funny thing is when I first met her she had this really supper innocent look to her. In fact, part of the reason why I was so into her was because I thought "gee, finally found someone who looks like the most drama free person I've met in a while..."

Part of me thinks she was with me out of fear of being abandoned or just alone. Part of me wanted to stay with her because Im sort of in the same boat (being alone) but also because I dreaded going to back to online dating if I decided to leave her. There's alot more to this story I'm leaving out, but needless to say my efforts to assist her were fruitless. Its now dealing with the guilt that Im leaving her like this that I have to face now.

To be fair to yourself, just realize that she was most likely ALWAYS like this.

My friend got married a little over a year ago. A few months later his wife finally relaxed enough and let the crazy out. He's asked me a few times if he could stay at my place as a contingency if things get bad. Now he understands why her parents were so appreciative of him in the beginning, they couldn't believe anyone would put up with her. None of us ever knew until he opened up about it a few months ago, she does such a great job at acting normal around company.

Insecure people can be the worst. And that's coming from someone who is fairly insecure, but honest about it. A lot of the crazy, manipulative, and cruel behavior exhibited by humans can be traced back to insecurity.

 

[Brown81]

IMO, she uses guilt/shame as a weapon. BPD has nothing to do with it.

Her "moodiness" is her way of controlling you. The kinder and more attentive you are, the more she will use it. Eventually, she will hate you for it and start cheating.
Although, she probably already has if she is accusing you of it.

I watched my mother and sister both do this to many men throughout their life. The only men they ever respected where the big time lying cheaters.

Still boggles my mind after all these years.

 

[Blankpage]

Yah she was. Funny thing is when I first met her she had this really super innocent look to her. In fact, part of the reason why I was so into her was because I thought "gee, finally found someone who looks like the most drama free person I've met in a while..."

Part of me thinks she was with me out of fear of being abandoned or just alone. Part of me wanted to stay with her because Im sort of in the same boat (being alone) but also because I dreaded going to back to online dating if I decided to leave her. There's alot more to this story I'm leaving out, but needless to say my efforts to assist her were fruitless. Its now dealing with the guilt that Im leaving her like this that I have to face now.

I hear what you're saying there, I'd rather have a kick in the balls than deal with online flakes.

 

[amazighlol]

Edit: BPD, possibly. If you aren't patient, or don't understand the disorder, move along.

 

[HappyHighwayman]

The OP's lady does sound a little more...ill than just self centered, but then I remembered this article....this dude's g.f. hit a little kid....and when he asked her not to do it she said it was his fault she hit the kid...why? Because she thought of something he did that made her mad.

I'd never date any woman who's mind works like that.