But how do you like your coffee? :rofl
Budman's on going joke fest
- Thread starter budman
- Start date
But how do you like your coffee? :rofl
JackTheTripper
Shotline For Mod
I actually laughed out loud at #15. :laughing:laughing
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
Here is an email sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after
an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.
-------------------------
Dear Mr. Page...
I always love your articles. and I generally agree with them. I
would suggest, as in an email I received, they change the name to the
"Foreskins" to better represent their community, ...paying tribute to the prick
heads in Congress.
Here are some other politically correctness to consider:
I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by
the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to
name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as
fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit
of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the
Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name
Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of
militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a
team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that
tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic
religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New
Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. Then there are
the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking
about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay
Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message
to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even
spending habits. Wrong message to our children .
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a
growing childhood epidemic . Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates . Wrong message to
our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying. Wrong message
to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out
to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved
with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress
loves.
As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in
mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers".
CP.
an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.
-------------------------
Dear Mr. Page...
I always love your articles. and I generally agree with them. I
would suggest, as in an email I received, they change the name to the
"Foreskins" to better represent their community, ...paying tribute to the prick
heads in Congress.
Here are some other politically correctness to consider:
I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by
the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to
name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as
fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit
of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the
Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name
Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of
militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a
team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that
tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic
religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New
Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. Then there are
the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking
about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay
Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message
to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even
spending habits. Wrong message to our children .
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a
growing childhood epidemic . Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates . Wrong message to
our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying. Wrong message
to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out
to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved
with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress
loves.
As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in
mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers".
CP.
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to the Bay Area and get another one?"
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to the Bay Area and get another one?"
Yup, some people can’t handle the truth!
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the fu[k I am now...
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the fu[k I am now...
Oldie but still a good joke
Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time, many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to genealogy, you can now respond intelligently.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids lived with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition, who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood, and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a double ceremony. That weekend, the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials in the society section.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time, many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to genealogy, you can now respond intelligently.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids lived with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition, who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood, and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a double ceremony. That weekend, the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials in the society section.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
repsol73
Well-known member
Hahaaa:rofl
channelcat
Banned
I have met my non-sequitur match. Perhaps I'm ok with it.:rofl
Abacinator
Unholy Blasphemies
I once went to the zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shit zoo.
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
Virginia
Virginia
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over
there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Virginia , the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington , D.C. .. Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"
Virginia
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over
there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Virginia , the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington , D.C. .. Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket!'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End-
over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket!'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End-
Cycle61
What the shit is this...
laughing
Yakoo752
USN
:|
A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!” The wife says,“Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?” The husband yells back,“It doesn’t matter… just get the fuck out!”
:laughing
A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!” The wife says,“Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?” The husband yells back,“It doesn’t matter… just get the fuck out!”
:laughing
i took my dad to the mall the other
day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to
him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors -
green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad
staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she
sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
that I would not choke on his response, I knew he
would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an
eyelid ......
"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was
just wondering if you are my kid."
day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to
him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors -
green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad
staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she
sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
that I would not choke on his response, I knew he
would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an
eyelid ......
"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was
just wondering if you are my kid."
Attachments
-
image.jpg