Budman's on going joke fest
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- Start date
Beauregard
Aut Agere Aut Mori
I love you Dennis. It was a tough morning until now.
Good one Al... and Beau back at ya brother.
Here is something that stirs the heart...:teeth
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing. :teeth
Here is something that stirs the heart...:teeth
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing. :teeth
Teachers & Cops:
These are supposedly actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are supposedly actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
These are supposedly actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are supposedly actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
Beauregard
Aut Agere Aut Mori
OUCH:
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
}Dragon{
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ ︵ ╯(°□° ╯)
15A. It's great to know your Dad is an attorney! I can't wait to meet him at the arraignment...:cool
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
when the neighbor looked out at the line & noticed me stealing her bras, she screamed at me.
I almost shit her pants.
I almost shit her pants.
greener
The ass is always greener
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!
That is one of my fav's Dave!! :thumbup
After having experienced the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in my home state of Alabama, I decided to have my next one performed while visiting friends in San Francisco, where beautiful nurses are said to be much more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, a really gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!!
After having experienced the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in my home state of Alabama, I decided to have my next one performed while visiting friends in San Francisco, where beautiful nurses are said to be much more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, a really gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!!
dmaxAl
Well-known member
On a medical theme.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
:laughing Like :thumbup
An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.
YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her
'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!
So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.
SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO the first Holiday Inn SHE COULD FIND!!!
I said old.. not dead :sex
An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.
YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her
'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!
So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.
SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO the first Holiday Inn SHE COULD FIND!!!
I said old.. not dead :sex
Bowling4Bikes
Steee-riiike!
if life gives you melons, you're dislexic
Today's humor is long but a good read.
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my kids purchased for me a week of personal
training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since
being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic,
anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
_______________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me
want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my kids
will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the
floor with diamonds!!!
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my kids purchased for me a week of personal
training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since
being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic,
anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
_______________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me
want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my kids
will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the
floor with diamonds!!!
After 15 years a guy escapes from San Quentin. He breaks into a house and finds a young couple in bed. He forces the young man into a chair and duck tapes him there. He leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom. The man whispers to his wife "Honey this man probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. Do whatever he says of he might kill us. Be strong honey I love you. The wife leans over and whispers He wasn't kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute. So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey love you too."
dmaxAl
Well-known member
It's the middle of summer and two nuns are painting the nunnery. Not wanting to get paint on their habit's and because of the heat they decide to strip down to their underwear.
They are working away when the doorbell rings. "Who is it?" asks the elder nun and receives "It's the blind man".
The elder nun reassures the younger that since the man is blind there will be no sin even in their state of undress and opens the door for the man.
He walks in, states "Nice tits sister, now which window would you like me to put the blinds up on?"
:rofl
They are working away when the doorbell rings. "Who is it?" asks the elder nun and receives "It's the blind man".
The elder nun reassures the younger that since the man is blind there will be no sin even in their state of undress and opens the door for the man.
He walks in, states "Nice tits sister, now which window would you like me to put the blinds up on?"
:rofl
