Budman's on going joke fest
- Thread starter budman
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Yakoo752
USN
So this guy walks into a bar and takes a seat.
Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're really good looking."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a beer.
The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a beer, great choice."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"
the bartender replies...
"Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're really good looking."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a beer.
The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a beer, great choice."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"
the bartender replies...
"Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
Oldie but likely new to some.
*******************
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you're welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking! was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight,said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.....He's naked, too! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man. How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
Sure, what do you want?
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . ."I think I can save ya a grand here."
*******************
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you're welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking! was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight,said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.....He's naked, too! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man. How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
Sure, what do you want?
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . ."I think I can save ya a grand here."
SM610
Well-known member
Actual conversation...
Me - "...so, if I have an anurizm and drop dead, you're only allowed to morn for one day. Then its party on, deal?"
Her - " Shure honey. If I die, just make sure that the new girl doesn't wear my clothes."
Me - "Oh honey, no self respecting 19 yr old would wear you clothes..."
SMACK SMACK SMACK!!!
:laughing
Me - "...so, if I have an anurizm and drop dead, you're only allowed to morn for one day. Then its party on, deal?"
Her - " Shure honey. If I die, just make sure that the new girl doesn't wear my clothes."
Me - "Oh honey, no self respecting 19 yr old would wear you clothes..."
SMACK SMACK SMACK!!!
:laughing
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
wannabe
"Insignificant Other"
I love magic frog jokes!
A beautiful lonely housewife walks into a pet store looking for a pet to keep her company. She goes up to the counter and tells the shop owner that she wants a pet to keep her company.
The shop owners looks at her and says, "I have just the thing for you." as he pulls out a big toad. He sees the confused look on her face and explains, "I can tell that you are here because your husband isn't doing what he needs to do to make you happy. This is a very special frog that I've trained myself. With his tongue, he will be able to give you the most amazing orgasms. You just have to touch his left leg."
The housewife got excited, paid for the frog, and took him home. She rushed the frog to her bedroom where she proceeded to throw her clothes off, jump on the bed, put the frog between her legs, and touched his left leg.
The frog did nothing.
She tried any number of things to get the frog to do what the shop owner promised, but she couldn't get it to do anything. Eventually, she gave up and called the shop owner and informed him of the situation. He agreed to come over to help figure out what was wrong.
When he came to her place, he asked her to show him exactly what she did. So, she took off her clothes and did exactly what she did earlier.
Same thing. The frog did nothing.
The shop owner let out a frustrated sigh as he picked up the frog. He placed the frog on the side of the bed and said, "OK. Now this is the last time I'm going to show you how to do this..."
Abacinator
Unholy Blasphemies
A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
JackTheTripper
Shotline For Mod
Jesus and Moses are playing golf. They come to a par 3 with a large pond protecting the front.
Jesus takes out a 7 iron and gets ready to hit. Moses stops him and says, “This hole is 180 yards over water…you better use more than a 7 iron."
Jesus replies, “I saw Tiger Woods play this hole on television last year…and he used a 7 iron, so I’m gonna use the 7.”
He hits the ball. It comes up short and lands in the water.
“Go get my ball…” he says to Moses, who is shaking his head and laughing, “…I’m gonna take a Mulligan.”
So Moses parts the water and retrieves the ball for Jesus…who immediately tees it up and gets set to hit again.
“Hey! You still have the 7 iron,” warns Moses.
“I know,” replies Jesus, “I told you…I saw Tiger play this hole last year and he used a 7 iron…so I’m gonna use a 7 iron too.”
Jesus takes a big swing...and bam! The ball comes up short again…and lands in the water.
“Go get the ball yourself, I’m not gonna get it” say Moses, obviously tired of what was going on.
So Jesus goes off and walks on the water looking down to see where the ball ended up.
The group behind them comes up to the tee…sees what is happening…and asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is…Jesus Christ?”
“No,” says Moses, “He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he’s Tiger Woods!”
Jesus takes out a 7 iron and gets ready to hit. Moses stops him and says, “This hole is 180 yards over water…you better use more than a 7 iron."
Jesus replies, “I saw Tiger Woods play this hole on television last year…and he used a 7 iron, so I’m gonna use the 7.”
He hits the ball. It comes up short and lands in the water.
“Go get my ball…” he says to Moses, who is shaking his head and laughing, “…I’m gonna take a Mulligan.”
So Moses parts the water and retrieves the ball for Jesus…who immediately tees it up and gets set to hit again.
“Hey! You still have the 7 iron,” warns Moses.
“I know,” replies Jesus, “I told you…I saw Tiger play this hole last year and he used a 7 iron…so I’m gonna use a 7 iron too.”
Jesus takes a big swing...and bam! The ball comes up short again…and lands in the water.
“Go get the ball yourself, I’m not gonna get it” say Moses, obviously tired of what was going on.
So Jesus goes off and walks on the water looking down to see where the ball ended up.
The group behind them comes up to the tee…sees what is happening…and asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is…Jesus Christ?”
“No,” says Moses, “He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he’s Tiger Woods!”
i_am_the_koi
Be Here Now
:laughing
Old one that was similar.
SRV Gets to the gates of heaven. St Peter greets him and shows him through. As they walk along a pathway surrounded by beautiful houses St Peter shows him up the walk to one and says that this will be his.
As SRV is being shown around the house he suddenly hears some shredding on a guitar coming from next door. Excited at who it could be he ask St Peter.
"Oh that's god, he thinks he is Yngwie Malmsteen."
SuperMike
unsexy
Another:
Young QB is killed in a car accident and finds himself at the gates of football heaven. He was famous for his blue jersey, but now finds himself wearing white. He questions St. Peter about this and is told, "Here in Heaven we all wear white jerseys."
The guy looks in and, sure enough, everyone is wearing whites. "Hey," he says, "what's up with that one guy wearing a red jersey over there?"
"Oh, that." St' Peter replies. "That's the big guy. He likes to pretend he's Joe Montana."
Yakoo752
USN
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
NorCalAthlete
O_o
:laughing nice...I have the perfect person to tell that one to....
JackTheTripper
Shotline For Mod
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
