How To Stop Seeing

[DReg350]

Not sure where to go with this... General, Crash Analysis, for damn sure not the Sink.

Without going into detail, I was at the scene of Glenn's death while traveling to Hawthorne last weekend. I can't stop seeing it. I've had problems focusing all week. Questioning my thoughts, actions, all of it. People tell me they're impressed with my resilience, but I feel the opposite. I feel twisted inside. Tense, distant, detached. This isn't me.

I hate this. How do I stop seeing, stop thinking? How do LEOs deal with this all the time?

 

[bunnygoat]

therapy

 

[bojangle]

Not sure where to go with this... General, Crash Analysis, for damn sure not the Sink.

Without going into detail, I was at the scene of Glenn's death while traveling to Hawthorne last weekend. I can't stop seeing it. I've had problems focusing all week. Questioning my thoughts, actions, all of it. People tell me they're impressed with my resilience, but I feel the opposite. I feel twisted inside. Tense, distant, detached. This isn't me.

I hate this. How do I stop seeing, stop thinking? How do LEOs deal with this all the time?

I sent a long reply to your PM.

Yeah, counseling, even if just short term, may help you sort through things.

 

[dravnx]

You have PTSD. Seek professional help. It needs to be dealt with. You are not weak or less of a person because of these feelings, you just need some help.

 

[TheRiddler]

Talking about it goes a long way.

The stuff I've seen, I've been (un)fortunate enough to have a partner with me. It's helps to talk with someone who's been through the same thing.

 

[Shaggy]

LE agencies typically have a Peer Support Group and if that doesn't help, then there is counseling. Generally, talking with friends/coworkers about it helped me earlier in my career. You do get desensitized to it after long enough.

Good luck to you. Sometimes it's hard to get over. I had a buddy who was involved in a shooting and it took him 6 months to get right mentally. Some guys never get right and retire.

 

[shouldnthave]

I'm sorry to read this. Like the others above, it sounds like you may need to talk to a pro. For some people it doesn't go away otherwise. You think it does after a while. You'll start to feel normal, you'll be happyish again, and things are going well. Then something triggers it, and BAM it's start that shit all over again.

When I was 20 I was involved in a life changer that ended with several of my closest friends dead, and me hanging on for my life. I balled it up for years just to cope. I received about six months of therapy in my late 20s that really turned it around. Though I still deal with it from time to time I have been given the tools to understand what is going on when it happens, and how to handle it without the melt down. I know I wouldn't be alive today had I kept going the way I was before I found therapy that's for sure.

This reach-out of yours is an excellent step in the right direction. Having the power to see the change and wanting to do something about is fantastic. Have you thought about setting up a private FB page, or email group for you and the other Barfers that were there on that day? It might be a really helpful thing to you, and to the others that are feeling the exact same way to talk about.

You are not alone, and you didn't do anything wrong, Greg. Please don't ever forget that.

 

[splat]

Please seek some counseling.

I always stigmatized therapy, too. It's who I was. "You're weak if you can't stomach it and move on."

I've been to war. I've seen aftermath of blown up vehicles. I've even seen a guy right after he was shot in the chest with a 50 cal. Two brothers' unexpected death, two uncles, an uncle I'd never met until I attended his funeral, my grandmother.... I always just dealt with it.

I went on with years of my life---family, work, and school (now nursing school) And I almost blew it all after watching my dad die of a stroke.

It wasn't until then that I realized I needed help. I sought counseling, and I can't say I'm back to normal. However, I can say that I've learned to cope with it. I hope someday (and I mean someday soon) you can find that peace, too.

Please seek counseling, therapy, or just someone to talk to. Send me a pm if you want to just talk...this is really an open invitation to anyone reading this. Just send me a message and I'll send you my number.

 

[DReg350]

I thought this might be the best place to post about this. I wasn't mistaken. Thanks all, for the thoughtful responses. Dave, thanks for the lengthy PM. Thanks for the time, your thoughts and suggestions.

I do have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that provides 5 hours of counseling. I'll look into an appointment soon.

The memorial today helped. It was good to be back among BARFers face to face. Some of whom were also there on Jesus Maria last Friday. I've had people asking me all week to talk about it. I have, but...I've become tired of it. For some reason, the ones I want to talk about with are the ones who shared the experience with me... BARFers.

Today, laying Glenn to rest; seeing so many pictures of him growing up from newly born through that last photo taken at *$ the morning of the rally; hearing his family and close friends share stories about him, Glenn the person, the human... helped make a connection to him. Same Junior and High School as my own son. Both were or are in Marching Band, and both played or play sax. They had Glenn's 8th grade science project on display. I judged a competition a few years ago and Glenn's would have gotten a damn high score had I judged his. It was about bicycle helmet protection. Speaking, locking eyes and connecting to his mom and dad, Katrina and Brad... as a parent... that was important. And, it was gift.

Guys, thanks for letting me open up here a little. It probably isn't the right forum, and that's why I appreciate your patience. Feel free to lock this thread up, but I'd prefer it not get moved to the sink. :laughing

 

[bojangle]

I do have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that provides 5 hours of counseling. I'll look into an appointment soon.

Yes, EAP. That's what I was referring to. I'd definitely take advantage of the free sessions. Five one hour sessions. Once a week...once every other week...you should be able to choose the frequency. That might be enough, or you might want to continue. But it can't hurt to try it out for free.

For some reason, the ones I want to talk about with are the ones who shared the experience with me... BARFers.

Yeah, also totally normal. There have been times where I have needed to talk things out with a cop friend. It's just that they can relate in a way that others (like my wife, or whoever) just can't. Others can sympathize, but it's different when you have the support of something who's been through the same thing. You can relate on another level...and I think it helps more.

Guys, thanks for letting me open up here a little. It probably isn't the right forum, and that's why I appreciate your patience. Feel free to lock this thread up, but I'd prefer it not get moved to the sink. :laughing

Let me know if you want me to move this thread to the sink. I will if you tell me to. But I have no problem keeping it here either. While it's not exactly in line with the topic of this forum, by the very nature of our jobs, LEO's, Fire, Medics, (all first responders), military, all have lots of experience dealing with traumatic events. I think it's a very relevant and helpful discussion.

The sink has the benefit of greater exposure, but then you also get all the other "stuff" that comes with it.

 

[MysterYvil]

Counseling, and talking it out. Repeatedly.

I was first on scene when my neighbor (a 21 year old whom I had known since he was four) was shot. I didn't think it would get to me (I worked for years at a hospital, saw some pretty heinous stuff), but it did.

A bit of depression and a ton of bad dreams were the result.

I scoffed at talking it out, but it really helped. I definitely lucked out in that my friends didn't offer advice, they just listened. The counselor wasn't bad either.

 

[Guoseph]

14 years ago, a good friend passed in my arms after breaking his neck in a dirt bike accident in a remote area in Georgia. It took a long time for me to cope, even longer before I was able to swing my own legs over another motorcycle. The advice to seek professional help is sound, but just know that even if that doesn't work, you will work it out, the human mind is surprisingly resilient. Spend time with friends and loved ones, events like these help us realize how precious life is and give us new appreciation for those who are still with us. This is a good community, I had a very similar one when I lost my friend. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM.

 

[budman]

Today seeing included loving parents, a brother. Other family members and some really solid HS buddies. This young man had a lot of life below the horizon we got to briefly see. How blessed were we to see it. Amazing really.

Hope that helped Greg. Good to see you.

 

[craigincali]

You have PTSD. Seek professional help. It needs to be dealt with. You are not weak or less of a person because of these feelings, you just need some help.

This doesnt mean he has PTSD. He has to come to peace with it in his own way. Therapy is a good start. Everyone throws PTSD around like they did ADD in the 90's.

 

[seadog]

Dude, hang in there. Saw a friend of mine get run over by a 18 wheeler. Life in a wheelchair after that. Also another one going over a cliff on a CB750. F'ed up after that. Get help. Sometimes your brain can get screwie with you. My hats off to people that can help you with that. Hang in there.

 

[NorCalAthlete]

Time will heal all, but just like physical wounds there's steps you can take to mitigate pain and heal faster. Knowing that you WILL heal though is an important step I think. There's no disrespect in coming to terms with something and accepting it, and knowing you can't change the past. Don't beat yourself up over any what-if scenarios.

 

[justneedfor5]

Talk to someone, start writing, and keep yourself busy

 

[packnrat]

not caring,

Alzheimer's,

shrink, (best way).


:afm199


you have a hard time with this cause you care, so be good to yourself and talk to a head shrinker,


soon.



.

 

[dravnx]

This doesnt mean he has PTSD. He has to come to peace with it in his own way. Therapy is a good start. Everyone throws PTSD around like they did ADD in the 90's.

"Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event."

If someone needs therapy because they feel traumatized by an event, that's called PTSD. It's been around forever, we just have a new name for it.

 

[Cincinnatus]

Get yo' butt to the EAP soonest. :thumbup

Yes, you've got PTSD and for a good reason, dealing with traumatic injury that ends in death is NOT something that anyone deals with well.

Your attendance at the memorial was a great thing for you and for the others.

My most significant PTSD was from being at a howitzer explosion that killed a good friend and seriously injured five others, all requiring medevac. Doing the first aid and all that followed, and then not getting counseling afterwards f*cked up my personal and professional life for years.

Get the EAP, get further help when you need it, talk to the folks that were there, maybe go out to the fire station and talk some to the responders, all of it helps. Time heals all wounds, and having professional help heals much faster & better. You will get through this and you'll be ok with yourself and others.

Best wishes!!