Finish out career or be with son?

[jh2586]

In 2 years, I will receive PCS orders (transfer orders). My ex is planning on staying here in FL to be with her bf. As of right now, I have 50% custody. When I transfer, because of my son starting school (he will be 6 years old when this occurs), my custody will be reduced down to 25% and limited to only summer, winter and spring breaks in which we will have to fly him to and from my location (wherever that may be).

The thought of not seeing my son except for a few months out of the year really bothers me, but at the same time, I will have had 15 active federal years in service. So basically... I have to choose between:

1) Give up 15 years of service with no retirement; see son 50% of the time
2) Continue service to retirement; see son 25% of the time

Such a dilemma.

What do I do?

 

[mean dad]

Length of time until retirement?

 

[jt2]

You're 5 years from retirement, 2 years until you rotate. So you're talking about 3 years of airfare and hassle to get a lifetime pension.

It'll be a complicated PITA, but well worth it in the long run.

 

[NorCalAthlete]

5 years left? Get your retirement at this point.

 

[Mike95060]

You're 5 years from retirement, 2 years until you rotate. So you're talking about 3 years of airfare and hassle to get a lifetime pension.

It'll be a complicated PITA, but well worth it in the long run.

I see it the other way around. Your time with your boy is valuable beyond measure. You can't get it back. Ever. Money transient. I would look for other options beside the two listed.

 

[jh2586]

You're 5 years from retirement, 2 years until you rotate. So you're talking about 3 years of airfare and hassle to get a lifetime pension.

It'll be a complicated PITA, but well worth it in the long run.

Correction, I am 7 years from retirement. The 15 year figure is accounting for when the transfer occurs. Right now I have 13 years. When I transfer, it will be 15 years and 5 more to go to retirement.

 

[NorCalAthlete]

I see it the other way around. Your time with your boy is valuable beyond measure. You can't get it back. Ever. Money transient. I would look for other options beside the two listed.

In the grand scheme of things (and speaking as someone who doesn't have kids yet) I don't think 3 years from age 6 to age 9 is a huge deal when it means a better life from 9 onwards. He's had a few years to build good memories of dad, he won't be completely cut off during those 3 years, and after that will be in a much better place to regain custody and care for his son.

 

[rodr]

Keep the job, make that 25% quality time.

 

[mean dad]

Retire when your kid's 11 and spend as much time with him as you want.
It's not like you're not going to see him between now and then. Spend every break/vacation/whatever traveling to see him for those five years.

 

[CoorsLight]

In 2 years, I will receive PCS orders (transfer orders). My ex is planning on staying here in FL to be with her bf. As of right now, I have 50% custody. When I transfer, because of my son starting school (he will be 6 years old when this occurs), my custody will be reduced down to 25% and limited to only summer, winter and spring breaks in which we will have to fly him to and from my location (wherever that may be).

The thought of not seeing my son except for a few months out of the year really bothers me, but at the same time, I will have had 15 active federal years in service. So basically... I have to choose between:

1) Give up 15 years of service with no retirement; see son 50% of the time
2) Continue service to retirement; see son 25% of the time

Such a dilemma.

What do I do?

Tough choices. My BIL quit the service after 16 years in the interest of his family. He was constantly being deployed, regularly in combat, and we were constantly worried for his safety. It was a relief to everyone when he quit, but once has to wonder every so often how the quality of their lives would be if he had a retirement. He and my sister could definitely use even a small measure of financial security in their lives.

I think your situation presents an even tougher choice. Your son will be old enough to understand that you'd be cutting back on your contact with him in the interest of your career and retirement. It will be easy for him to understand your absence, but it will be difficult for him to understand that you are making this choice in the interest of his security over the long term. This all comes at a very critical time in his childhood development (well, they are all critical, I guess). You won't be able to get that time back.

I think if I were in your shoes, I'd quit now to be with my child as much as I could. Even if that choice comes with tough consequences, I don't think you'll ever regret making that decision if it means you get to be with him more. If you make the other choice and remain in the service, I think there's a greater likelihood you'll end up regretting it in a way that might be hard to live with.

 

[Mike95060]

In the grand scheme of things (and speaking as someone who doesn't have kids yet) I don't think 3 years from age 6 to age 9 is a huge deal when it means a better life from 9 onwards. He's had a few years to build good memories of dad, he won't be completely cut off during those 3 years, and after that will be in a much better place to regain custody and care for his son.

Well, my kids are 6 and 9. The changes they go thru month to month at this age stagger me. Up until about a year ago I worked nights and was only spending about an hour a day with my daughter. That was putting a strain on our relationship that I did not even notice until the situation changed and I started spending more time with her.

I know I'm speaking strictly for myself but, I couldn't be happy with such limited contact with my kids. I just wanted to offer a different point of view because IMHO the stakes are pretty high with this decision.

 

[CoorsLight]

the stakes are pretty high with this decision.

This.

 

[Climber]

Very tough choice, the best years for a parent are 6-11, after that they become teenagers and their interaction with their parents and wish to be around their parents vs friends drops off significantly.

You'd be giving up some of the most important years of your child's life in order to influence them to be the person you would like them to be and to spend quality time with them when they really want to spend the time with their parent/family.

Just thought I'd point that out, not all years are equal in the eyes/mind of our children.

 

[Mike95060]

Second thought here, What are your career options post service? Do you have a skill set that will be able to provide for you and your family when you are no longer in the military?

 

[Schnellbandit]

Will the quality of the time you spend with your son be better or worse depending in your decision?

If you rotate out you'll be searching for a job and then start a career all over. Initially that might severly impact your 50% time and even if you can maintain it, the reduction in means available to you might make that 15% far less desireable.

If you quit (essentially what that is) someday you need to explain it to you son and whether or not he appreciates it will remain with you the rest of your life.

That said, you also have a right to happiness and so on. Very soon your son will be so busy with friends he won't much care how much time Dad spends with him for routine things. Be there for the most important times. Make the time with him those he will remember and figure out how to communicate with him to the point that when he needs to talk you are there.

Your retirement isn't all about you, it is about you and him because the retirement will also secure his future in many ways.

Kids are resilient. They also want to know their parents are ok, esoecially as they get older and become adults. A retirement goes a long way to keeping that concern away so that in the back of their minds isn't "I wonder how Dad is getting on..."

No, the years away aren't coming back to you but neither is the time already invested in retirement. Do you really want to be slugging it out at some job or scrambling in between jobs after the time you'd be in retirement and able to really make a difference in your son's life?

Sticking it out will show your son that sacrifice for family sometimes means a short term hurt for long term benefit. You won't be a quitter but a Dad who did the tough things to make life better for the both of you. His perspective will change and its his understanding as an adult when he gets there that will matter most. You son will be an adult far longer than he will be a child.

 

[1962siia]

Seems to me you have some time to figure this out. Who knows what your ex's plan might be in two years? I'd be looking for options to make it work either way. Look for local job options so you can stay, and start making plans to get to stay in touch better if you move.

My son is 14 and those years from 6-11 are pretty important, but so is long term financial security. Since those years have past and I'm on the other side, I'm not sure they are any more important than where he is now, and financial security is still a top priority.

We made a move last year and my son was sure he would lose contact with all his friends. The power of video/skype type stuff has made it so he didn't skip a beat with his old buddies. While nothing can replace being in the same home with your kid, there are lots of people who keep relationships through these video tools.

Is there any chance your next move will be close to where you are now? I've never been in the military so I have no clue how this works. What kind of notice are you given about your actual next location?

 

[Caddywumpus]

Jeff,

I would focus on your financial security and retirement.

Make the MOST of the time together. When your son visits, make it a grand adventure. Build those special memories together.

I know you are dedicated to your family, and retirement will ensure that you will be financially secure and able to spend time with him in his life.

 

[Tharkûn]

Very tough choice, the best years for a parent are 6-11, after that they become teenagers and their interaction with their parents and wish to be around their parents vs friends drops off significantly.

You'd be giving up some of the most important years of your child's life in order to influence them to be the person you would like them to be and to spend quality time with them when they really want to spend the time with their parent/family.

Just thought I'd point that out, not all years are equal in the eyes/mind of our children.

Very tough choice, but climber and Mike are spot on here. I'm not saying quit, but it's going to take some serious thought

 

[gnahc79]

Go for the retirement. My boys are 7 and 10. 50% vs 25% does suck and age 0-12 are fantastic. However missing out on retirement is a HUGE loss and not worth it IMO. Make that 25% count like rodr already mentioned. Get the retirement so that you have greater freedom later to be there for your kid knowing that you are financially secure. When your kid is an adult he will know you are financially secure as well and that's a huge gift.

make the 25% count. there are parents that are with their kids 100% of the time and waste nearly all of it.

 

[JesasaurusRex]

Am i the only one reading this as him not being with his kid for 5 years, not 3?

Was actually talking to a barfer about a similar situation just this weekend. Not an easy choice, i think id lean towards trying to land another type of federal job where your time in service could transfer. If that doesn't work out and your stuck with one of those two decisions just follow your heart. Either one you pick will be the wrong one and you'll always wonder what would have happened if you made the opposite choice.

Hook back up with the ex :laughing