Budman's on going joke fest
- Thread starter budman
- Start date
@ Butch... until you open the box you would not know.
Assuming the Cat walked in..indeed the cat did... there ya go.
A marriage test:
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car
Assuming the Cat walked in..indeed the cat did... there ya go.
A marriage test:
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car
Godsdarling
Smile & Wave for me!
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity:
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?
Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner.
"You'll never hit her from here."
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?
Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner.
"You'll never hit her from here."
Godsdarling
Smile & Wave for me!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Escape pod
Capable
Bert and Ernie are driving the Sesame Street Bus.
At their first stop two large women get on the bus, they are twins, both named Patty.
Bert and Ernie drive on.
At their second stop Ross gets on the bus. He is kinda special.
Bert and Ernie drive on.
They come to their third and final stop, and cheesy Eddy gets on the bus. Eddy is gross, he goes to the back of the bus, pulls off his shoes and starts picking the bunions on his feet.
After Eddy sits down Burt turns to Ernie and ask, "Do you know what we got here?"
"No" says Burt.
"We got two obese Pattys, special Ross, cheesy Eddy picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.
At their first stop two large women get on the bus, they are twins, both named Patty.
Bert and Ernie drive on.
At their second stop Ross gets on the bus. He is kinda special.
Bert and Ernie drive on.
They come to their third and final stop, and cheesy Eddy gets on the bus. Eddy is gross, he goes to the back of the bus, pulls off his shoes and starts picking the bunions on his feet.
After Eddy sits down Burt turns to Ernie and ask, "Do you know what we got here?"
"No" says Burt.
"We got two obese Pattys, special Ross, cheesy Eddy picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.
Heard that joke in 10th grade, can't believe it stuck with me for 30 years.
Another one of the same genre:
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath. This made him... ...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath. This made him... ...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
beavis
Well-known member
THE CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS & THE PENIS
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"...
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"...
Godsdarling
Smile & Wave for me!
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
-
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
-
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
-
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
-
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
-
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
-
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
Godsdarling
Smile & Wave for me!
Q: How did the blonde burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while ironing...
A: The phone rang while ironing...
ctwo
Merely Rhetorical
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business
executives and sales people. Now we have a mathematical proof that
explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since, as everyone knows from the postulates,
Knowledge = Power and Time = Money, we have:
Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero (like in the social sub-group
indicated from above), Money approaches infinity regardless of the
amount of Work done!
executives and sales people. Now we have a mathematical proof that
explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since, as everyone knows from the postulates,
Knowledge = Power and Time = Money, we have:
Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero (like in the social sub-group
indicated from above), Money approaches infinity regardless of the
amount of Work done!
Godsdarling
Smile & Wave for me!
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.