21 Things You Say In Work Emails, And What They Really Mean

[B-mtrd]

1. I’m wondering if I could pick your brain about something: Help me please I am dying.

2. Looking forward to your thoughts!: Respond to me promptly, asshole.

3. Just wanted to follow up: Why the fuck have you not responded to my last note.

4. I happened to notice your great work on ____ : I’ve spent 3+ hours painstakingly researching your past work in an attempt to ingratiate myself with you.

5. That’s fair: You win this round, Dr. Doom…

6. Let’s circle back on this: I can’t deal with u right now.

7. Great! (1 exclamation point): Sure, whatev.

8. Great!! (2 exclamation points): I agree, and want you to like me.

9. Great!!!!!! (3+ exclamation points): Either I am desperately trying to ingratiate myself with you, or, have just had my fourth cup of coffee.

10. Great. (no exclamation points): I hate you.

11. Gre34%111at!!!!!: I am on Adderall.

12. Best: We don’t know each other and never will.

13. The one initial sign-off: We’re chill as hell.

14. Regards: I am over 40.

15. YOLO: I am an asshole whose friends refer to me only by my last name.

16. I know you’re busy…: You never respond to me and you’re not that important.

17. Thanks so much for your understanding: Email — Making passive aggression exponentially easier since the early ’80′s.

18. Can’t help with this at the moment, but I’ll let you know if anything comes up!: Already forgotten what you were asking me.

19. Let’s move forward with the current plan: If we spend one more minute deliberating on this I will be physically ill.

20. Thanks so much!!: Sure, whatev.

21. Please advise: No really. fucking help me now!

 

[Pking]

One that I use:

22. Thanks. I'll touch bases with the others: Since it seems you have no people skills or too scared to talk to other the people in the group

 

[Joebar4000]

23. I could really use some help with this XLS you want me to fill in: Why are you wasting my time and destroying my soul with this useless bullshit just so you can track my every waking moment?

 

[sasquatch]

Thanks!: go away you bug me, quickly, please

 

[Pushrod]

24. E-mail me those specs and a proposal. "My spam filter ain't half full yet."
25. Bring that history to the managers meeting today. "We are going to gang up and beat you down."

 

[IrFuji]

26. Just had a quick question. "Are you a f@cking moron!?"
27. I'll get it done. "You're my boss so I have to do what you tell me but this job sucks"
28. Please do x. "I'm you're boss but I'm trying to be cool and not order you around"

29. Let me know when x is done. "WTF IS TAKING SO LONG?!?!"

Not really an email quote, but more of a saying.
Have a nice weekend! "Don't call me, text me, or otherwise contact me as I have no desire to associate with you outside of work hours."

 

[Marci]

30. "Let's me look at my calendar and get back to you". It ain't ever going to happen. I don't care if you plant yourself in front of my desk, I will pretend to be on an 8 hour phone call.

And then the famous email back and forths:
31. "Have you processed my Expense Report yet? I haven't gotten paid.
Payroll Department "Crickets"

32.
Email to IT: "I need someone to take a look at my computer, it's acting up"
No response from IT: IT Room: "Laughter"
Email to IT 2 days later: "Can someone come down and look at my computer?"
Email from IT: "Did you reboot it?"
Email to IT 10 minutes later: "yes, now can someone come down please?"
Email from IT 3 days later: "Did you check the power cord?"
Email to IT 5 minutes later: "YES! I checked the power cord! Can I get help immediately!"
Email from IT 4 days later: "Can you describe the problem?"
Email to IT 5 minutes later: "Yes, YOU GUYS ARE FKING ASSHOLES!"

 

[doc4216]

33. Call me if you need me. "Try not to need me."

 

[brichter]

33: Per below: Read the whole fooking email thread, you idiot! Your questions have already been answered!

 

[GPzPop]

34) boss : (after any and every email exchange) Thanks : I WILL have the last word, always

 

[DTM74]

35. Let's get on the same page: "You're a f*cking moron."

 

[IL8APEX]

22. Thanks. I'll touch bases with the others: Since it seems you have no people skills or too scared to talk to other the people in the group

Always use this, usually including some conjugation of the verb "Align."

Have a nice weekend! "Don't call me, text me, or otherwise contact me as I have no desire to associate with you outside of work hours."

I am known to use the "have a nice weekend" line on Thursdays, just to make sure Friday is quiet.

I am also a big fan of Gmail's "MUTE" function, freeing me from mind-numbing threads about someone's new baby or their heartfelt goodbye when leaving for another job.

-Tom

 

[poach]

#36

Have a nice day: I'm sooo done with you. Please lose my addy.

 

[Buloong]

#37 Still working on it: Still not working on it.

 

[poach]

#38
Thanks: thank you

#39
thx: thanks for nothing

 

[poach]

#40
You're covered, gimme your po: I have NO idea how I'm going to cover your order, but I get paid to figure that sort of thing out.

#41(archaic phone convo)
The sooner you quit yelling at me the sooner I can get off the phone and fix the problem: lolpfffffffffffffft

 

[poach]

#41
No problem: Yeah, no problem because I'm a magic unicorn from the land of "wtf" and I delight in protecting your hopes and dreams

 

[rodr]

#42. I'm on it.
The sooner you get out of my face the sooner I can do this.

 

[poach]

To a friend/customer who took me to my first track day in the 90's, and who just sold his last bike...

#43
It's a natural progression man, with age comes the cage: you're a gigantic pussy

 

[bruceflinch]

:laughing
So glad I no longer deal with emails at work.