dealing with a family member on life support, Yea or nay?

[spddrcr]

so my father who i havent talked to in about 5 years besides one brief lunch where he sat across from me, but never really said much was on life support for the last 8 days. He has muscular dystrophy as do I so we knew it was serious and possibly the last time any family would see him if they int-abated him. when he entered the hospital he was semi conscious but everything he said was gibberish.
by that night he was completely comatose with no ability to function on his own and no response to any sort of stimuli. they resuscitated him 4 times that sunday and finally got his heart stable with meds, int-abated him and put him on a respirator.
we went out to modesto tuesday to see him as we were unaware anything was even going on. after talking to his doc in ICU and the various other proffesionals taking care of him we knew how bad it was even though his wife and my brother (who lives with him) were telling everyone that everything was great and that my father would be home in 2 weeks back to his normal self:rolleyes

they took the tubes out yesterday and he immediately started dying due to his inability to make his throat function due to his disease, he was resuscitated again due to his wife's wishes at which time he opened his right eye for the first time since he had been there and he muttered "NO MORE". three docs came in and made the decision that at that time my father was able to make his own decision and when they asked him again if he wanted to be resuscitated or be put back on life support he said no.

I am now just coming to find that he has been resuscitated just under 15 times in the time he has been in the hospital because his wife didn't feel it was his time to go and she wanted to make sure people from his church had time to see him, mormons not that it matters.
so after large blood clots were found through out his chest, he has had multiple massive strokes early last week and his chest is filling with fluid due to pneumonia the wife is finally coming to terms with his death that will happen in the next few hours.

so the question is do you let someone suffer for days on end or just let them go? At what point do you decide? How about for yourself?
My wife and I reviewed our advanced directives and made changes this week due to this event. I can honestly say if i am not reactive to stimuli the first day i don't want to live on life support:thumbdown

sorry for the long post, I have been a member here for a long time and consider BARF to be friends and family and about the only way i can vent all this at the moment.

 

[mean dad]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and doubly sorry that his wife is being so fucking selfish.

 

[mikev]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and doubly sorry that his wife is being so fucking selfish.

This.

Sorry man.

 

[Ant]

Each situation is different but in a general sense no way I'd let a loved one suffer. Hate to say it but it appears his wife is keeping him alive for her own reasons. Sorry for your situation

 

[Ol' Gravy Leg]

I've been there, OP...pulled the plugs and didn't look back. No regrets.

 

[F4iChic]

We treat our pets better than we do fellow humans

When it is my time, don't even bother plugging me in, thanks all the same :hand

Sorry to hear you are going through this, and sorry your pops keeps getting pulled back to more suffering by his selfish wife. But, having said that, I am not in her position so I have no right to call her selfish

Sad all around

 

[planegray]

Good that you updated your Advanced directives, sorry that your dad is having to suffer for his wifes selfish needs.


I'd suspect that most of us moto riders would be in agreement on the "Quality of Life" issue :thumbup

 

[GAJ]

Had to deal with this with my father.

With an older person who is essentially dead but breathing artificially, it's best to let nature take its course.

That is what I've told my wife to do.

Save the time and effort on the part of the medical staff for a younger patient with better odds.

 

[spddrcr]

Good that you updated your Advanced directives, sorry that your dad is having to suffer for his wifes selfish needs.


I'd suspect that most of us moto riders would be in agreement on the "Quality of Life" issue :thumbup

this is where i stand for my self, in my dads case he hasn't had a very good quality of life for a while now. his health has been bad and he was bed or wheel chair bound for the last few years.
My brother and my pseudo stepmother wife will lose the house they live in when he dies as they have no way to pay for it. I hate sounding like a prick but i can't think of any reason for them to keep him alive other then to keep a roof over their heads. I would really like to be wrong about that but it seems the way they went about keeping people informed of his condition was shady from the start. I only got the truth after talking directly to the doctors while i was at the hospital.

 

[kevin 714]

We need to learn in this society that death is a very natural part of life. It's the natural culmination of life, not some disease to be avoided at all costs.

QUALITY if life is what matters


Your fathers wife was very selfish, I'm sorry man

 

[team1813]

Went through this with my dad in Feb. FORTUNATELY, my mom didn't opt for life support. We went hospice care at my house, and he passed after 5 days due to aspiration pneumonia.

I have since made a will, set up a trust and made medical directives.

Sorry you're dealing with it now.

 

[CoorsLight]

I'm sorry about your situation. I went through that with my grandpa. There's no easy answer for anyone, but if it were me in the hospital bed, I think I'd probably want to pass on. And on the other hand, when it was my grandpa in that bed, I didn't want him to go. Selfish of me maybe, but that's how I reacted to the situation.

You might want to give your brother and psuedo stepmom the benefit of the doubt. People react to situations like this in all kinds of ways, and it's really impossible to know how they are feeling, or what they are thinking about. you might be right about them, but it's only going to make you feel worse.

Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

 

[bellstar]

My Sister is a ICU nurse, the stories she tells me are gut wrenching. Most recent story was woman on life support. No DNR on file. Family wants to keep her alive so they can collect the social security, etc., monies at the first of the month. :nchantr The poor woman has had all her ribs broken, is bleeding from her eyes, nose, from being resuscitated. She is eat up with cancer and has zero quality of life going forward.

I would pull the plug. Very sorry for what you are going through - stay strong and follow your heart.

 

[cat_in_sf]

WOW. I assume the hospital bill is on the goverment dime? Even with a good coverage plan, that is expensive. Think of all the children that could get immunizations for the cost of that.

 

[LikeWaah]

I too am sorry for the situation you're going through.

Both of my grandparents were in a similar situation, one from going into a diabetic coma, the other from some kind of lung/throat problem (not sure what exactly).

In both cases, my family made the decision not to resuscitate/keep on life support. My family also happens to be a family of doctors (both grand parents were doctors, two of my uncles, one aunt, and a cousin), they all agreed it's about quality of life, not just keeping someone alive.

No judgments on those that want to keep their relatives alive, however. No one ever wants to be the one to have to let go, especially if there's even a remote chance they might recover. There's no happy ending here.

 

[SpeedyCorky]

WOW. I assume the hospital bill is on the goverment dime? Even with a good coverage plan, that is expensive. Think of all the children that could get immunizations for the cost of that.

thats the way I look at it, and reguardless of who is paying for it, and usually relating to a pet tho - people spend so much money keeping little fluffy alive for just 1 more miserable year - when they could put fluffy down, and give another cat/pet a good life for a year - and have money to spare!

basically, there comes a time when it time to go, and you are just using up insane resources (money) and getting very little quality of life (or any) from doing so - those same resources could help someone else who could benefit 100000x more - there is a time to move on in life and pass the torch ...

 

[billswim]

I've been sort of in that situation, it sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

It's likely that the hospital staff is reviving your father out of fear from being sued by his wife. Without a DNR in place things get weird. He should be allowed to pass with some dignity. Perhaps she could be reasoned with by you?

 

[auntiebling]

WOW. I assume the hospital bill is on the goverment dime? Even with a good coverage plan, that is expensive. Think of all the children that could get immunizations for the cost of that.

double edged sword

 

[spddrcr]

thats the way I look at it, and reguardless of who is paying for it, and usually relating to a pet tho - people spend so much money keeping little fluffy alive for just 1 more miserable year - when they could put fluffy down, and give another cat/pet a good life for a year - and have money to spare!

basically, there comes a time when it time to go, and you are just using up insane resources (money) and getting very little quality of life (or any) from doing so - those same resources could help someone else who could benefit 100000x more - there is a time to move on in life and pass the torch ...

he is 63, discharged from the navy due to Muscular dystrophy as back then they didn't have a clue as to what caused it or triggered it in adult onset. worked for the post office for a long time. retired from that with a nice pension. the VA has been very good to him to say the least, one of the reasons we didn't talk or get along in the last ten years was due to my belief that he was milking the system. the VA would send him new power chairs every year that he would turn around and give to members of his church. his whole house is voice automated and only responds to his voice and he has every trinket and technological wonder you could imagine all paid for by the VA.
I think a lot of what is happening right now as far as i feel is because im pissed i never told him how much of a shitty father he was and wasn't going to do it on his deathbed. when he remarried he pretty much decided to write me and my wife and kids off because we were not mormon and despite his efforts refused to convert.
my uncle asked me point blank why i didn't go to his daughters wedding 2 months ago or even respond to the invitation he had given to my dad to give to me. I am more pissed off about his passing then upset it seems but im sure it's part of the grieving process of losing a parent.
I have lost many friends over the years and was emotionally destroyed by a lot of them but this just seems different.
the bill has to be astronomical, I can only imagine how many other people could have been helped. part of the reasons i didn't go back to the hospital after the initial visit was because after i voiced my opinion of what was going on his wife told me i was being to negative and that dad would be home in a few weeks:rolleyes
same thing happened when my uncle said basically the same, even though he watched his mother and other brother die the exact same way at just about the same age.

 

[LikeWaah]

I think a lot of what is happening right now as far as i feel is because im pissed i never told him how much of a shitty father he was and wasn't going to do it on his deathbed. when he remarried he pretty much decided to write me and my wife and kids off because we were not mormon and despite his efforts refused to convert.

That's rough man. I feel for you. To be honest, his response may not have made you feel better.

But the lack of closure, the regret at not sharing your thoughts can eat away at you. Don't let it. I went through something similar and have learned to just accept that I missed my chance, but I don't need to miss anymore chances.

So now my policy is to just say it, whether it's a negative or a positive. It might turn out better than expected, or worse. Whatever the result, we'll work through it if the relationship (gf, friend, family) is solid. I also believe that going through those "honest moments", brings people closer. It's not easy to face your emotions head on, but when you do, it can be a powerful experience.