Godsdarling
Smile & Wave for me!
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
You knock on the door.
You knock on the door.
Budman's on going joke fest
- Thread starter budman
- Start date
Godsdarling
Smile & Wave for me!
What do you call five blondes laying on a beach
A public access.
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Okay, I will stop :laughing I just know a lot of blonde jokes since I am blonde, everyone tells me one :laughing
A public access.
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Okay, I will stop :laughing I just know a lot of blonde jokes since I am blonde, everyone tells me one :laughing
m0t0_ryder
RYD!
Last edited:
Godsdarling
Smile & Wave for me!
It's a joke fest not a horror story :laughing
There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
Godsdarling
Smile & Wave for me!
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
:laughing
:laughing
Godsdarling
Smile & Wave for me!
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
NorCalAthlete
O_o
An attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today. She informed me that she has invested about $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-$20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman with a keen eye! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today. She informed me that she has invested about $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-$20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman with a keen eye! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
Bowling4Bikes
Steee-riiike!
SuperMike
unsexy
Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.
One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel looks at his watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head!"
One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel looks at his watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head!"
Godsdarling
Smile & Wave for me!
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
CDONA
Home of Vortex tuning
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempt to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the flank of the horse.
As her head is quickly moving toward being banged against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness ,
to her great fortune, a biker named "Trunk" sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Thank God for Bikers.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempt to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the flank of the horse.
As her head is quickly moving toward being banged against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness ,
to her great fortune, a biker named "Trunk" sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Thank God for Bikers.
Arkansas State trooper pulled a car over on I-30 about 2 miles north of Malvern. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Little Rock to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Sheridan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Sheridan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
berth
Well-known member
Godsdarling
Smile & Wave for me!
A police officer stops a car going 75 when the speed limit is 65. The officer asks the man driving if he realizes he was speeding.
The man replies, "Look right there -- that sign says the speed limit is 75."
The officer explains that that's the highway number, not the speed limit. As he says this, he looks in the back of the car and sees an elderly woman breathing very heavily.
The officer asks her if she's O.K., and she says, "Yes, we just got off of Highway 155."
The man replies, "Look right there -- that sign says the speed limit is 75."
The officer explains that that's the highway number, not the speed limit. As he says this, he looks in the back of the car and sees an elderly woman breathing very heavily.
The officer asks her if she's O.K., and she says, "Yes, we just got off of Highway 155."
Biga
Near Miss Racing #96
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
*Stop laughing at us seniors.... *
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper
was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him
and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your
garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about
his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan
with two flat tires..
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center
were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'
One more. . ...!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper
was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him
and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your
garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about
his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan
with two flat tires..
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center
were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'
One more. . ...!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Brokenlink
Banned
:rofl