Budman's on going joke fest


FN #5
German cat ghost comedian: How many lives does a dead German cat have?

German cat ghost audience: /blink

German cat ghost comedian: Nein!

German cat ghost audience: Boooo! Boooo!


Well-known member
An old lady gets on the bus and sits behind the driver. After 5 mins. she taps him on the shoulder and asks if he would like some peanuts. Sure he says and holds out his hand. The old lady pours some peanuts into his hand and he happily munches away. 5 mins. later the old lady asks him if he would like some more peanuts. He once again holds out his hand, she gives him the peanuts and he munches them down. 5 mins later the same thing. The bus drive asks the old lady why she's not eating her peanuts. She says that she can't because she doesn't have any teeth but she really likes the chocolate.


Well-known member
Turning back the clocks and getting an extra hour in 2020 is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.


Well-known member
Turning back the clocks didn't impress native Americans, they said: "Only a white man would cut the bottom foot off a blanket, sew it to the top and then think he had a longer blanket."


Well-known member
Trump has a massive heart attack and of course, ends up in hell. Lucifer is greeting him and explains that there are only 3 presidential suites in hell and they are all occupied. Lucifer offers him one of the suites but he will have to replace the occupier. Trump opens the first door and inside is Obama jumping in a pool, climbing out to the pool and jumping back in, over and over. Trump says no thanks, that would mess up my hair. Trump opens the door to the second suite and it is occupied by Bush who is running around a track, lap after lap. Trumps says no thanks, that will be bad for my shins. He opens the third door and there is Clinton, tied spread eagle on a bed with Monica between his legs, doing what Monica does best. Trump says I can do that. Lucifer says, OK, Monica, you can go now.


Well-known member
Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the motorcycle shop next door to that."


General Menace
Staff member
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..
1. A Bible.....

2. A silver dollar.....

3. A bottle of whiskey.....

4. And a Playboy magazine.....

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for Congress...

Matty D

Well-known member
A priest received an evacuation order due to floods in his area. He stayed in his house saying "God will save me."
A cop showed up and tried to get him to leave, but he refused, saying "God will save me."
As the water rose, a rescue boat showed up and still, he refused, saying "God will save me."
The water kept rising, and soon the priest was on the roof of his house. A helicopter showed up and he STILL refused saying (you guessed it), "God will save me."
The water kept rising and the priest was swept away and drowned.
He made it to the pearly gates. God was there, and the priest couldn't help but ask why he wasn't saved, especially after devoting his life to the Church.

God looked down at him and said "You idiot! I sent you a cop, a boat, and a helicopter!! What else do you want from me?"


Well-known member
There are 10 kinds of people in this world
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world
Those who understand math and those who don't.


Well-known member
There are 10 kinds of people in this world
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world
Those who understand math and those who don't.

There are two types of countries in the world, those that have the metric system and those that have put a man on the moon.


There are 10 kinds of people in this world
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world
Those who understand math and those who don't.

There are two types of countries in the world, those that have the metric system and those that have put a man on the moon.

There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets


Home of Vortex tuning
TEXAS Freezes over

so much punchline potential,

I don't want to appear disaster tone deaf, for this but, , ,
BARF is still leaking snow


General Menace
Staff member

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there eating grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated,
"You may come with us, also."

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."


General Menace
Staff member
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.

Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...

Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.

He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.

We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.