Old guy needs hearing aid?

[EastBayDave]

New Hearing Aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

[EastBayDave]

Man Sleeping in Church

Man Sleeping in Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem -- my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will nod to you at specific times. When I nod, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, my son," said the minister.

Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off
and shove it up your a**!!!!!"